MeL's Point... and She Does Have One (September 20th, 2008)

By MeL on Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 15:49

Just a Word?

People are different.

We have different looks, different voices, different interests, we want different things in life. I, for example, always wanted to have my own regular column.

I like reading columns, just like I like reading letters to the editor or commentaries. I’m interested in people’s opinions, to see whether they’re the same as mine or maybe – you guessed it – different. Some columns I have read were very entertaining, some hilarious, but the best ones were the ones that struck a chord with me and made me think about them long after reading them. That’s what I wanted to be able to, too: to share my thoughts and opinions on what I think is noteworthy and – hopefully – give people something to think about.

Someone once told me to be careful with what I wish for because it might come true. So, here I am now, with my own column, just like I wanted it, and this is where the trouble starts – what do I actually want to write about?

There are certain topics that I could write about endlessly, articles, essays, even books. Ellen DeGeneres, for example. The woman is smart, charming, still very sexy even at 50 and very, very funny. But how thought-provoking could my gushing about hot, attractive Ellen be? (Okay, stop it, I don’t necessarily want to provoke THOSE kind of thoughts, after all, the woman is married!)

As I’m sure that there will be plenty of other occasions to write about Ellen even on eurOut – as my favourite chief editor said, “there’s always room for Ellen” –, in my first column, I wanted to write about something else, something that might seem banal at first look but turns out to be a noteworthy incident.

It was my doctor who finally provided me with the subject matter for this column. The other week, during treatment, he suddenly asked me whether there’s a different word for “lesbian”. In my mind, I immediately replaced “a different” with “a nicer” – is there a nicer word for “lesbian”?

Is there? And what is wrong with the word “lesbian” that I immediately had this thought? Is there anything wrong with it at all?

During the process of coming out, I often asked myself whether there’s a nicer word for "lesbian". I simply didn’t like the word, I never used it when talking about me, and I know that a lot of women felt and still feel the same way. Not even Ellen,my hero, uses the word “lesbian”, but says “gay” instead. But what is it about this word? Is it because it sounds so sterile, or because the word “lesbian” is constantly being used as a slander word?

When I tried to explain to myself and others why I didn’t like the word, I usually said that I didn’t want people to define me only through my sexuality, that I didn’t want to be pegged as someone I didn’t feel I was. And even though I now think that back then, I felt uncomfortable with the word mainly because I still felt uncomfortable with myself as a lesbian, even then I might have had a point. Back in the early 90s, there weren’t a lot of role models and only a few out lesbians I knew about, like Martina Navratilova and Hella von Sinnen (a German comedian who’s usually very loud and shrill), and I had nothing in common with them and – even more important – didn’t want people to think that I was like them. I was different from them, but to me, using the word lesbian would have implied that I was like them.

So the reason why a lot of women don’t like the word “lesbian” might be because there are so many clichés about lesbians, and they’re usually not very flattering. Because we’re all different. We have different looks, different voices, different interests, we want different things in life. The only thing that we all have in common is that we love women.

And that’s actually what my doctor, who totally caught me off guard with his question, and I settled for – that I love women. Yep, I do, just like a lot of other people do, too.

Seems like in this regard, I’m not so different after all. ;-)

Tags: columns

Interesting question..

Submitted by norma.b on September 20, 2008 - 19:32.

If I'm coming out I say (eventually lol) "I'm gay". If I'm with gay/bi ppl, esp in the UK, I use gay/lez/bi. I like lez - it escapes the weight of history & the random island. (Sappho, I know, but..)

I tick the 'lesbian' box in print. Also I've used it in less friendly situations, as it's a strong word & I needed to grab it before my adversary haha

Another excuse to avoid

Submitted by maxime68 on September 20, 2008 - 20:11.

Another excuse to avoid doing things I should be doing ;-)

I really have a hard time remembering the last time I heard word or that I used it myself. Writing is not the problem but I think that it's got something to do with the pronunciation, especially of the German version "Lesbe". In rhetoric courses you learn that you have to end your phrase (word) on a higher key, to a) leave a positive impression and b) to keep your listeners interested. "Lesbe" ends in a short vowel which results in a pronunciation that finishes on a lower key.

So yes, I hardly ever say "I'm a lesbian" (out loud) but being in a relationship makes it a lot easier, so I talk about my girlfriend (another word i don't really like, especialls the girl-part of it) when I need to explain something.

And instead of saying about another women that she's a lesbian it's more like "she's family, too".

Btw, being named Martina wasn't really easy when the almost only known lesbian was the one you already mentionned. I even boycotted tennis for a long time, until I realized what I'd been missing ;-)

Thanks for bringing up this topic, discussion or thinking about language is one of my favorite subjects

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It IS just a word

Submitted by Natazzz on September 20, 2008 - 22:09.

MeL, what you're talking about sounds so familiar.

For the longest time I had a problem with the word lesbian, simply because I had such negative stereotypes about lesbians. Surely I was nothing like that?

It turned out it had nothing to do with the actual word, I simply had not fully accepted yet that I was gay.

These days I really do not care what words I or others use to describe my sexuality. They are all just words indicating I love women.

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the sound..

Submitted by fio on September 21, 2008 - 16:54.

Ehi,

I think it's funny - I am Italian and totally dislike the italian word "lesbica", but I have no problems in saying "lesbian" whenever I am speaking English. It is, in my case, a question of sounds - the italian word "lesbica" has got the /sb/ sound in the middle and the very hard sound /ka/ in the end, a combination that I really hate [blame it on phonetics], I find it very unpleasant to hear. Or maybe I'm just weird :) I'd normally go for "gay", although in Italy the word is actually used mostly to talk about men and that might generate some confusion around.

Apparently, I'm not

Submitted by iaidoka999 on October 24, 2008 - 23:00.

Apparently, I'm not alone!

I thought I might be the only queer person (I'm bi) in Italy that didn't like the word! Yeah, I find it unpleasant to hear, too... I usually go for gay. I don't have a problem with the English 'lesbian', neither, btw!

Thanks for the comments

Submitted by MeL on September 21, 2008 - 21:38.

Thanks for your comments everyone. It's interesting to see that we all have or at least once had a problem with the word and also the various reasons for it. Maybe we should all try to come up with a new word, at least in our own languages. I also suggested the word "verzaubert" (which means enchanted in German) to my doctor, which I really like.

~ Be who you are, whoever you are. ~

Great column!

Submitted by Sandra Showtime on September 21, 2008 - 23:33.

I am already excited about the next one :)

Again, I am weird, but...I guess I never used any word to come out or describe myself :O People just noticed or they asked "are you single?" and i said yes or no, without adding "a gay one". but i would definitely not choose lesbian, cause in German "Lesbe" or "lesbisch" sounds so..I don't know, like a witch or something. ssscchhh is a horrible ending for a word what starts with "L". Probably I would just say: Straight? No, I am smart! :)

spanish view

Submitted by Teruel on September 24, 2008 - 19:59.

I do not have a problem with the word lesbian, but I say more frequently "I like girls", or if I am with friends, I refer to me or to other lesbians as "bolleras" (a colloquial word like dyke).

Here in Spain we use a lot of anglicisms, but as well as fio tell us about Italy, "gay" is mostly, if not exclusively, used referring to men. I guess it may be related to the lesbian invisibility. As we "do not exist", there are only gay men, so the original meaning of the word losts its femenine side.

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No tengo ningún problema con la palabra lesbiana, pero digo con más frecuencia "me gustan las chicas", o si estoy con amigos utilizo bollera para referirme a mi o a otras lesbianas.

Aquí en España utilizamos un montón de anglicismos, pero al igual que fio nos contaba sobre Italia, "gay" es mayoritaria, si no exclusivamente, utilizado para referirse a hombres. Imagino que esto está relacionado con la invisibilidad lésbica. Como "no existimos", sólo puede haber hombres gays, perdiendo así el significado original de la palabra su vertiente femenina.

interesting

Submitted by eva-e on September 25, 2008 - 10:44.

Funny how everyone seems to dislike the word for "lesbian" most in their own native language. Can't really be about the sounds then, can it?

I think it's more about the stereotypes being primarily attached to the first word you know for ladies who love ladies. I'm pretty sure it would be the same if the word as such were any different.

I've been thinking about this quite a lot recently, because I notice that I don't like the words "Lesbe" or "lesbisch". (yet?) It's a bit easier with the English term. Yay for international forums! And I think it's really because "lesbian" is the one word that changed its meaning when I came out to myself. Earlier "lesbian" signified some strange "other", something I didn't have to understand. And it's not like I can take that aspect out of the word, so I just have to try and become part of that "otherness" myself.

But I could never identify as a lesbian in all aspects of my daily life. That might actually be the point: The word "lesbian" is only used in contexts where it's significant, where people are actually in a same-sex relationship or whatever. Even Hella von Sinnen is just hilarious most of the time, rather than lesbian. But when you come out you try to generally identify with all that meaning of the word, and it's just too overloaded for that.

Make it our own

Submitted by Wienerin on September 25, 2008 - 15:07.

Like most of you I don't really feel comfortable identifying myself with the word lesbian. I think that's do to the stereotypes and the shipload of negative connotations that comes with the expression. Nevertheless I try to force myself using it from time to time. There is a couple of words that were used as defamation first, but once the referred group of people made it there one and turned it's meaning to the "positive side". Among them are "Christians" "Jesuits" and "Quakers".
I think, that's exactly what we should do with the term lesbian - use it in a self-confident way and by that make it our own.

By the way, I found another, very old-fashioned German word for lesbian. But I don't like the sound of it as well. Its: "Urnide" The male equivalent would be: Urnig, the adjective is urnisch. These expressions were used 100 years ago and hardly anyone knows them today.

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Always look on the bright side of life *pfeifpfeif*

Getting used to the word

Submitted by MeL on September 25, 2008 - 17:38.

There's a very good way to get used to the word lesbian - join a project like eurOut. ;-) Whenever I explain to someone what the project is about, I of course use the word lesbian. That's actually what provoked my doctor's question, when I told him about the website and that it's about visibility of lesbian and bisexual women in the media.

Another very old German word for a lesbian woman is "Tribade". It's derived from a Greek word that means "to rub" - hmmm, don't know what that could have to do with lesbians....? ;-)

~ Be who you are, whoever you are. ~

Not fond of it either

Submitted by Mad Maggot on October 10, 2008 - 13:04.

I also don't like the word. I don't have a problem with being gay. Saying I'm gay and I'm a lesbian is the same thing to me, pragmatically speaking, so I choose the gay version, simply because it sounds much, much better to me than the lesbian one. It just doesn't sound nice.