LesBian Life: Dealing with men

By Anna McFaith on Sunday, September 26, 2010 - 23:14

I know that the whole definition of being a lesbian means you don’t have a relationship with men but, of course, we deal with men all day.

Not even a hard core feminist like myself has any problem with that. I love men. I love working with them, I love talking with them and I love the way in which they relate to the world. No drama, no insecurities, no double meanings. What they say, they mean. Yes, I’m generalizing but it pretty much fits with the men I befriend and work with.

Now, this issue of LesBian Life deals with two things surrounding our relationships with men; dealing with guy crushes and becoming one of them. Why these two topics? I’ve been running into them a lot lately and because I still haven’t figured out completely how to deal with them I was hoping you could help me.

I look pretty straight. Any lesBian can probably spot me but for guys I tend to be on the market. This means that, unavoidable, every now and then a man develops a little crush or the need to flirt. Because I’m gay and in a long-term relationship, it usually takes a while before I realize what’s going on and by that time it’s usually too late to end it gracefully.

Oh — before you think I don’t tell them I’m gay, it’s generally one of the first things I mention, along with a long-term girlfriend. How do you all deal with male attention? I tell them, make it as clear as I can but after that… everything gets messy.

There is one way I know which tends to avoid this; becoming one of the guys. And that is the other point I wanted to raise; I don’t like becoming one of the guys. I’m gay, not a male. Just because I can appreciate a good woman doesn’t mean I think like the guys around me, thank you very much.

An example; some of my male scholastic friends were discussing Machete, the new Rodriguez movie. Now, I don’t care much for Machete or Robert Rodriguez and the movie is probably not my cup of tea but I have sat through a lot worse for a glimpse of Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez. Mentioning that got me a couple of very odd glances and a distinctly uncomfortable feeling that I’d suddenly shifted into ‘guy territory’ and the guys in question suddenly had no idea what to do with me anymore.

Another example; guys burping in front of me because ‘I’m not a target anyway’. I’m sorry but when did being gay become a reason to abandon all etiquette rules?

I’m always looking for the middle ground; that place where I’m still a girl but not a potential love interest. So far I’ve found the balance fragile and very dependent upon the guy if it succeeds or not. Some guys ‘get’ the gay thing (still a girl like they are familiar with but not into them) and some don’t.

How do you deal with these two issues? Is there anything you can give me as advice? Tips and tricks? Anything is appreciated!