Studying Lesbians: Are we happy to be single and/or hoping to find true love online?

By Natazzz on Friday, August 27, 2010 - 00:12

Studying LesBians is a monthly column in which I discuss recent and not-so-recent research involving LesBians or the LGBT community as a whole.

This month I want to talk about a study that was published this week, which shows that lesbians and gay men are happy to be single. At least, that's what the headlines in the queer media say.

Qoud.TV a website that offers queer TV channels and movies on demand, together with Stonewall conducted a survey among over 1.000 gay men and lesbians about their relationship status and how they felt about it.

It showed that 61% of all single people questioned said they were quite happy to be single. I think this result is not very surprising, as these days we're no longer all sitting at home desperate and lonely, waiting for Miss Right to come along.

Still, as a researcher I cannot help but feel these numbers are a little misleading. First of all, when you only ask single people how they feel about being single you don't get the whole picture, because it just might be they are happier and more able to be single than those in relationships. Secondly, just because you might answer you are happy to be single, doesn't mean you are not secretly hoping for that one perfect girl to share your life with.

Another part of this survey that I found interesting was that 51% percent of queer respondents thought they could find true love on the internet, compared to 36% of straight respondents. I think those numbers are pretty high for both groups, but it's not that surprising it's a lot higher for us.

After all, if you're gay it's much easier to meet someone online than it is in every day life. Unless, of course, you have lots of queers at work, at home and everywhere else you go.

It's a shame the results are not divided by gender, as I am pretty sure gay men score higher on being happy with being single than lesbians. I also think that more lesbians are in relationships than gay men are, but unfortunately I couldn't find any comparable studies to confirm this.

So what does this survey really tell us and how representative is it for all lesbians everywhere? I think it tells us that many of us enjoy spending time online, and because we do we also think it's not too unlikely we'll find a girlfriend there.

However, I do not think the majority of lesbians is happily single, or they might be quite happy, but they would prefer to be in a relationship. Or am I just thinking of stereotypes?

When I look at my personal situation, I know that I was single for a long time, and I was quite happy with this fact too. But then I met the love of my life online, and I have to say, it's made me so much happier than I ever was.

- - -

What do you think of the study results and if you are single, what's your answer to the question 'Are you happy to be single and/or are you hoping to find true love online?'

Read previous 'Studying LesBians' columns here.

Tags: being single, columns, dynamic, human interest, relationships, research, Studying lesbians

Personally, I think being

Submitted by Indigo Blues on August 27, 2010 - 01:21.

Personally, I think being single is where modern society is heading to...whether we like it or not. Think about it: you are not alone ... you are hardly alone should you leave your phone nearby. In most EU countries policies that make

calling,
sms-ing,
mobile internet
voip services cheaper are being put into place.

This effectively means that we are heading towards a society in which I-phone-like gadgets will be mass produced and used.So then, you can choose to be on-line ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT! Should internet dating be the thing still, you can flirt 24/7!

As researcher I'd also like to see a time detrending of these numbers. It is possible that there is a structural difference between gays and straights, but is it significant? Also, can we predict it will remain significant or will it errode in the future. I'd be inclined to think the latter, but that would be an actually interesting research.

I would also advise against drawing strong conclusions from such (small, overidentified) estimates: if it is a cultural trait that individuals prefer being single, then is it really a problem that gays prefer it more? Moreover, if it is a preference that is not time consistent (i. e. you like being single between 20-30 years old) is it something to consider altogether?

Another question that I think is hardly addressed in these types of research but you seem to point to as well is... what is the scope really of such a research? Is it happiness we measure? Is it happiness we wish to support? Because if it is, then being single is no more of an indicator of happiness than owning a dog - there is no causality between one's current situation and happiness. That would be as wrong as saying rich people are happy, tall people are happy, people with families are happy, employed people are happy and straight people are happy... and the rest are not!

So then why not be single and happy? On a funny note, some time ago I went quite hard on my overdraft. Waaaay too many parties took their toll, I guess. So while reading my bank statement one afternoon in my living-room, a friendasked: - Why the long face?

I muttered something about the cash that my account no longer had and concluded: - Now, who the f...k invented the phrase Happily unemployed? ...Only to be answered in a teasing mode: - The same one who probably thought of Happily single!

Now, although both are silly metaphores, I'd rather be Happily single, than Happily unemployed.

Well

Submitted by Natazzz on August 27, 2010 - 10:09.

Thanks for your great comment!

You raise some interesting questions. I'd love to see more in depth studies being done about relationships status, happiness and sexual orientation.

I'm not sure we will really find significant differences between all groups, and I agree with you it might just be a matter of time and in ten years time those differences will be smaller. But the interesting question is whether it's a good or a bad thing.

Is it good we are happy to be single? I would say yes, as long as we don't get too happy, because society is inidvidualistic enough as it is.

Hm...

Submitted by Little G on August 28, 2010 - 03:29.

I'm happily single, not secretly looking for a relationship online. For the longest time I was in situations where I'd rather be happily single, than in a relationship where two people are miserable.

Anyhoo, why isn't being happily single a good thing? Just because it's "normal" to be in a relationship, doesn't mean it is for everyone. To some, friendships can be as fullfilling.

Natazzz, what do you mean by "society is individualistic enough as it is"?

Well

Submitted by Natazzz on August 28, 2010 - 10:36.

The last decade (or is it decades?) society has become much more individualistic, in the sense that for example, in the Netherlands we have over a million single people (as in living alone). Not only are many people single, they are often also not that close to their families or have such an active social life.

This doesn't have to be a bad thing for everyone, and I agree that there is nothing wrong with being happy with being single, but we as humans need other people to surrive and especially to thrive. Of course, romantic relationships aren't the best thing for everyone and I agree you can also be fullfilled with other relationships like friends and family.

Thanks for elaborating

Submitted by Little G on August 28, 2010 - 14:03.

... because I was thinking in Asia (and in Canada, too) single people tend to live at home with their parents. They are close to their families, and maintain active social lives. Also, many single people have roommates, so they don't live by themselves.

I don't think we need other people to survive, but we sure thrive and feed off it.

Hum...

Submitted by Anna McFaith on August 28, 2010 - 09:20.

I'm a relationship kind of girl. I can be alone but I'm secretly a bit afraid I'd become a recluse if I wasn't with someone who'd provide a stable link to the outside world. I love to nurture and care and it's a big part of my identity. Having a girlfriend brings out the best in me and I don't think I could be happy when single. It's a bit sad but very true.

Thanks for the interesting edition Natazzz! <3

happily single?

Submitted by Indigo Blues on August 28, 2010 - 14:24.

Hey, this is turning into an excellent discussion... both normative and positive. :)

Let me first say that I am impressed 1out of 16 million Dutch are single? Wow... that few? I really would have expected more... but OK, I guess we only refer to the 12 or so between 16-75 years old? This improves stats for 'unhappily singles' :)

Now, actually the discussion introduces some overlapping effects and questions:

- 'research' shows that a large majority of queer singles are happy

- Natazzz asks: is it just because being single is not bad and because they are happy people or is it because they choose to be single, which means they don't want to be involved

-'research' also shows that the majority of queers are also looking for partners over the internet

- Natazzz asks: why is internet the choice? is it because of social stigma... i.e. wishing to avoid embarassing flirtings with straights (if they could ever displease anyone...)? or is it because singles pretend to be happy only not to admit to being miserably lonely or 'miserable and lonely'

One thing is for sure - everyone agrees that there is such a thing as happily single. I guess the i...t who also invented the phrase Happily unemployed was only half wrong :)

Now, of course, the normative question is harder to answer: it is good that we accept happily single as a way of life? should we encourage it? who cares really - as long as we are happy, no? And then the externalities argument came up: we don't live alone, we need friends and family - social cohesion makes us better people... so then why would we be happily single?

Is being happily single = happily isolated? No, nobody wants isoaltion! People fear being alone in all respects... hell, I'd go crazy without friends, family, housemates, colleagues etc? The mere act of reading and writing on this forum is a reaching hand: we want to communicate, to react, to feel cohesion etc

So why is happily single a problem? I would argue because it shows predisposition to happily partially isolated. And as has been argued before, when going towards isolation we're in trouble. The question I would ask Natazzz is: do you really think that the latter is possible? Do you really think that there is a dangerous tendency, that societies such as the Netherlands have, towards exaggerated individualism?

Anna had a good point: she is intrinsically afraid of isolation. Being an evolutionary trait - humans had better chances at surviving when in groups - is the genetically encripted material not soooo strong that we refuse to accept being isolated? Lil-G also pointed out: there is compensation for having a partner - you can have friends. I would also be inclined to argue single today & in a cohabitation tomorrow - it's a cycle, one that is so natural that being stuck in 'single/unemployed land' or in 'isolated land' can only temporarily provide happiness and thus can only temporarily be sustained.

On a different note... why is so little research done on this? That which I have read had seriously strong assumptions and little robustness.

Being single does not equal isolation

Submitted by Little G on August 30, 2010 - 00:30.

I could be interpreting your reply wrong, but reading it I get the impression you link being single to isolation. Would you care to elaborate? (Because if you are I respectfully disagree.)

Great comment!

Submitted by Natazzz on August 30, 2010 - 09:29.

Thanks for another great comment! No, I do not think things will get 'that bad' that people will get too individualistic and/or isolated. I do think it's troubling that there are a growing number of people who are alone, as in they don't have anybody (partners, friends or family) who they are close to.

Correct me if I'm wrong

Submitted by Little G on August 30, 2010 - 21:50.

... but isn't that also part of certain cultures? Certainly, in Asia not being close to and/or having family/relatives around is almost unthinkable. Even if people live miles apart they still maintain some kind of connection.

I agree, though, that it is a scary thought not to have anyone care about you or care enough about anyone else - and end up all lonely.

I don't believe single is isolated... :)

Submitted by Indigo Blues on August 30, 2010 - 23:08.

I read my arguments recently and I realized they are way too long - professional deficiency I guess :D. Oh, and Natazzz, it's really a pleasure to comment... I enjoy the discussion.

Lil-G, I don't think that single is isolated, but I do think that when reading most of these researches, 'single-->isolated' seems to be their assumption. My point really is to the contrary. Just as Natazzz said, it's not that bad. Even if some individuals are lonely ... they can be lonely at times. Genetically and not to mention culturally they will want to find someone to connect to.

My question really was ... If we all agree that single is not isolated, why does research such as the one Natazzz pointed out to scares us?

To draw a little paralel, I am all for speding money, especially EU money, but I can't stop and wonder what strange assumptions motivate our expenditure choices, for I think research such as this will eventually end up on the tables of some EU green/ populist party and measures to 'combat this disease' are bound to be put in place. Yet, if we think about it, we're bound to not be isolated even if we are single or even lonely.