Lesbian visibility: straight allies

By Little G on Saturday, October 31, 2009 - 23:35

Stacey and I bonded over Strangers in Paradise - and spilled chocolate sauce at Kopi Cafe around the time of the Gay Games in Chicago, back in 2006. She recently alerted me that she is sharing her point of view with the rest of the world as a straight ally on gayneighbor.org around the time of the National Equality Marches in the US. I thought it was time for a little chat with my friend. She may not be as famous as Charlize Theron or Angelina Jolie, but she is just as vocal about her support.

Stacey is a 34-year-old "gal" who grew up in and continues to live in the Midwest. She grew up in a small city outside Chicago, IL, and now lives in Milwaukee, WI. She currently works in the IT Industry, but has a strong background in theater and performance. In her college years my friend was mostly involved in and attracted to politically driven feminist theater.
Attending Alverno College, an all women's college, made her an idealist. Her time there was defined by experiencing a utopia of embracing differences, followed by the realization that the "real world" is very different.

Since it was an all women's institution they - naturally - focused on female and feminist themed issues. Stacey was a psychology major with philosophy and theater as minors, and using the feminist lens in all areas was very enriching. For Stacey, the idea of sexuality discrimination is part of a larger fight for gender equality and gender freedom. She states: "Nothing about our plumbing comes with a prescribed dictation of sets of behaviors and societal pressure and punishment toward this "prescription" is abusive and evil."

When I asked her how she became an advocate for human and gay rights Stacey told me of her gay friends. She met most of her closest friends while in college and some came out of the closet during their college years. At the time the ideas of marriage, planning for the future, etc. was not within their immediate reality. Stacey had been frustrated about general discrimination against her gay friends, but not as outraged as she has become in the last few years.

Of the little core group that has stuck together since college, her friends Ruth and Kathy have had the strongest relationship of any of them, as a couple. According to Stacey if any couple truly embodies the idea of marital union, balance, happiness, and responsibility it would be these two.

She has been outraged on principle for Ruth and Kathy (and others) but has never really taken a strong voice in the matter because - well - she's straight. Stacey had a hesitation to be strongly vocal just because she felt like she, as a straight person, would be putting words in the mouths of a culture to which she did not belong.

As a woman and a feminist, Stacey doesn't have a problem with men helping with the plight of gender equality, but she might have a problem if a man assumed what she, as a woman, wanted in life.

It wasn't until Tracy, a member of a gay and feminist-friendly forum of which Stacey is a member, thanked her for being a straight ally toward the Same Sex Marriage issue that Stacey became more vocal. She encouraged Stacey to continue. Since then, Stacey's gotten a lot of encouragement from her gay friends and realized the importance of being a straight ally: "The opposition of gay rights is, in general, homophobic. They - people who are scared of encouraging homosexual behavior, who feel "encouraging homosexual behavior" contributes to a demoralization of our society - won't listen to people they fear. But, I'm not gay and they don't fear me (based on sexuality at least.) I might be able to reach some people my gay friends cannot. Or, at the very least, I can shoulder the burden of campaigning to bring a brief respite to my gay friends who work tirelessly against a stubborn system."

One of the "side effects" of being such a vocal advocate is that some people think Stacey is a closeted lesbian. I asked her why she thinks that's the case. Stacey replied she's definitely a tomboy. She's not drawn to typical "feminine" styles or hobbies. She also supposes the typical prejudicial equation is: "tomboy + politically verbose = lesbian".
Stacey clarified the tomboy part: "I'm considered a tomboy for a few things; I like getting dirty. When manual labor is needed, I'm pushing myself up front to do the hard 'boy' stuff while many of my female counterparts hang on the sidelines. I don’t wear a lot of make-up. I've always been tomboyish in my play (built tree forts) in school and socializing. Overall, I'm better friends with guys or women who lean toward a more tomboyish or androgynous side."
Stacey used to not care about being mistaken for a lesbian. Sometimes she would purposely not correct people and if she was talking about her boyfriend, would use gender non-specifics like "partner" in hopes that when they eventually learned she was straight, they might revise their previously held beliefs about gay people.

Now that seems to have shifted and it's more important that people know that Stacey is straight as she is trying very hard to put forth that she is a straight ally of gay rights. My friend is hoping that others in similar positions realize that gay rights are human rights and people all have the responsibility to promote them.

Finally, Stacey (who has German ancestors), wants to tell the eurOut readers:
"I really hope that eurOut readers don't assume U.S. citizens' beliefs are wholly represented by these restrictive laws. I want you to know that there are many of us trying to work against some really ultra conservative and destructive agendas. A lot of the U.S. policies are in conflict with the culture. It’s so frustrating to wonder and see what the rest of the world must think of the U.S. In the past decade, and even before, there have been events and decisions that go against my core beliefs and the core beliefs of many of my fellow citizens. I cringe to think the world regards me, a U.S. Citizen, through the horrible activities of a government I did not support. With the election of Obama I think the world is starting to see a more gracious and optimistic world leader emerge in the U.S. We have a long way to go. Though our laws are unjust, I want to ensure that our international neighbors know that we don't take this injustice lying down."

Thank you Stacey for doing this interview and for sharing. We need more people like you!

One of Stacey's friends who came out while attending Alverno College is Denise Cawley. She is the director of the entire Gay Neighbor project (the site was featured on eurOut back in September). Watch out for an article on Gay Neighbor in a few weeks.