MeL’s Point: I Smiled At Lesbians (But They Didn’t Like It…)

By MeL on Sunday, March 15, 2009 - 19:00

While thinking about the title for this edition of my column, I got into a dilemma. The most suitable title I could come up with was “Talking to Strangers”, but as you know, this title is already taken. And because I’m not Katina, and my column is different from hers, and I didn’t want to get the readers confused or – worse – into trouble with my fellow columnist for stealing her title, I decided to use a very different title. But while you are reading this, just keep in mind what this edition really is about: Talking to strangers or, moreover, why some lesbians seem to have such a hard time with it.

MeL

I was on vacation last week on a nice island in the North Sea. There weren’t many visitors there yet, which was perfect because all I wanted was to get some rest and I didn’t look for company. At breakfast one day, I spotted two women who obviously belonged together because they entered the room together and sat at the same table. In situations like that, it’s become a reflex for me to turn on my gaydar, and sure enough, I received some very strong gay vibes. So I smiled at them when they passed my table, but what I got back was a look that at best can be described as confused, but also showed signs of disturbance. Later that day, I met them at the hotel pool area, where the three of us were the only guests for a while. We could have had our own little Dinah Shore experience, having a pool full of lesbians and lesbians only, but that would have involved some kind of connection at the least. But again, I didn’t even get as much as a smile back, much less something similar to a small talk. So you can understand my unease when that night at dinner, the two of them were seated at the table right next to me in the hotel restaurant. It was a very quiet dinner.

Here’s the thing: When I’m on vacation or at a party or just taking a walk, I occasionally connect with other people who I don’t even know. I exchange looks, smiles or even engage in some small talk. It’s not because I’m desperately looking for company or new friends, it’s just this little something called social behaviour. One could think that it’s even easier to connect with other lesbians, given the fact that there’s already something that we have in common. But unfortunately, it’s not. Those two women at my hotel weren’t an exception, and their reaction was all too familiar to me, as I have met many, many lesbians who were exactly like that.

When I came out and started to go out to gay and lesbian clubs and parties, someone told me that it would be difficult to get to know other lesbians there. I was confused – a room full of lesbians and I wouldn’t be able to get to know someone? But I soon realized that this person was right. Yes, there were a lot of lesbians, but they usually stayed in their respective cliques and only talked to the friends they had arrived with, while otherwise observing their environment with a disturbing, almost hostile look.

It’s a behaviour that I have witnessed not only at clubs and parties, but also in everyday life and directed at straight people, and it makes me sad. Not because it affects me – I did make some very nice connections during my trip, especially with straight couples and a toddler who kept splashing water from the pool in every direction while making a lot of noise and squealing with glee – but because it alienates people and adds to prejudices like the one of the tough, grumpy, hostile butch. And it makes me sad because I think that most of the time, it springs from insecurity and fear, feelings that many lesbians have internalized but that need to be overcome. We have every right to be out and proud, and we should be in order to be more visible and taken seriously.

Even if it involves returning smiles of other lesbians. Even if it involves talking to strangers.

Tags: column

Fab read!

Submitted by frosch411 on March 15, 2009 - 20:18.

really enjoed the column there MeL! And I feel for you.. it seems lesbians seem at times grumpier than anybody else..wierd, n'est-ce pas? Hell, we all sit tin the freaking same boat, why limit ourselves and stay put in that grumpy corner. I for one talk to strangers when I am in the mood (I sometimes just want to be left alone when tired, say on a bus), but when out in teh scene (rare..super rare) then I'd love to have a nice stranger approach for a change...
If you see me MeL fell free to aproach me.. I will smile back :)

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frosch411 online frosch411 on AE

Great title

Submitted by Natazzz on March 15, 2009 - 21:22.

I love the title of your column, it made me smile in recognition.

I admit it: I am a smiler. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I tend to smile at people, and for me the normal response would be to smile back.

It puzzles me whenever my smile is met with either annoyance or suspicion. Not only lesbians are guilty of this, but I do recognize what you are saying.

Luckily there are also nice lesbians like MeL, Frosch and I, who will smile back ;-)

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-Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Who doesn't have a blog these days?

Good point!

Submitted by Little G on March 15, 2009 - 23:15.

Good to know I'm not the only one who experienced something similar. Apparently, it doesn't matter where you are; in Europe or the US, certain types of behavior seem to be "international".

I'm not overtly smiley, but if someone smiles at me I certainly smile back - or at least look a little puzzled (which is in no way a hostile, grumpy look).

I have an easier time with (gay) guys, who seem to be more open to including lesbians to their circle than other lesbians. Especially if they're coupled up.
Is it their insecurity a fresh face could possibly steal away their girlfriends? I honestly don't know. I, for one, do not approach other queer women as if they're prey. Ever. Ack!

I totally understand what

Submitted by shoveya on March 17, 2009 - 14:49.

I totally understand what you're saying. It seems like some lesbians are determined to contradict the idea that 'we'll get along just coz we're lesbians' and forget even their simple manners.

I admit, I do get a bit excited when i see another lesbian at some event or place. But I would never think that we'll actually talk and it usually never happens anyways. If a lesbian ever smiled at me, then for sure I would return the smile coz its rare and comforting.

she's the author of 'Light is like Water'

This is very much true

Submitted by emptyinbetween on March 17, 2009 - 22:43.

but I can not say that I'm not like this sometimes. I'm not saying I don't have any manners nor that I'm incapable of being social. For example today I was just walking and my lesdar went off and I looked at her BUT didn't smile - I can only imagine how "not smiley" I looked but if I had smiled it'd have felt more like I was smiling bcuz I found her attractive or something like that. THIS could only be a cultural factor too but ya know that's one of the main reasons for me not smile at every lezzie I walk by/see. Of course if somebody smiles at me politely, I will smile back.

This reminds me of:

Submitted by Isabel Eggerley on March 19, 2009 - 11:21.

My girlfriend and me recently went to the birthday party of a good friend and met her best friend (male, gay) there for the first time. We took to each other right away and after some time he said only half-jokingly: "You know, you're the first lesbians I'm not afraid of. You can even smile." And I tried to be offended by the stereotyping but ended up laughing because I have too often been in his shoes, especially at IKEA which seems to be a lesbian fairground :)

But, of course, it's not always this bad: I've met the nicest gay ladies out there, as well, who were warm and welcoming and had a huge smile on their faces ... and isn't it the best when you smile at each other with knowing looks? More of that, please!

Messy thoughts in clumsy English @ http://eggerley.wordpress.com

I know that we're not all like this...

Submitted by MeL on March 19, 2009 - 23:31.

...especially not the women on eurOut.:-)

Thanks for the comments ladies, I'm glad that I'm not the only one who recognized this kind of behaviour.

@frosch: Now all I need to know is where to find you in order to get that smile from you. ;-)

MeL's blog: Everything MeL

Follow me on Twitter: "I Tweet, Therefore I Am"

MeL... I'm here :D

Submitted by frosch411 on March 20, 2009 - 14:44.

lol.. UK that is... up north... close to Manchester.. come and get me ;)

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